I’ve been wanting to write this for awhile and even though I could say the words over and over in my head, I could never write them.
But here goes;
Since I was about 9 years old I knew I was different, I knew there was something I had that my friends didn’t and for years I tried to deny it, I tried to hide it, I tried to change it, I tried to make a joke out of it and I tried to hurt it.
To this day I can remember my first real kiss, the kiss that I felt on my lips, that I felt in my fingertips, the one that made me notice my heart, this was the kiss that I had been waiting for.
When I was younger we used to have a caravan and that was where everyone used to hang out, one day me and my friend were in there under the duvet, hiding from the world, when we started kissing. With all my other kisses it was like the world fell asleep, so it wouldn’t last long and I wouldn’t put any effort into it, I’ve had more entertaining ghost farts. Where as with this kiss, my whole world picked up and all I wanted was this kiss moment to join with all the other moments to come so it would never end.
We would meet up regularly and I felt alive, the world was exciting again but they broke my heart when one night their friend said ‘have you ever kissed a girl?’ I instantly looked up at them, heart racing and they replied ‘Eurgh why would I want to do that?!’ That was the moment I realised being this way wasn’t normal.
So, I denied it, pushed it down, only ever treating myself to the exploratory friend who made me feel like what I was feeling was natural and eventually it would go away and I would be like all the other normal people.
Except it didn’t go away and each time I found myself in certain situations, I would fall to their side like an obedient puppy unable to fight my body.
Eventually I started to believe I was broken because nobody else seemed to be different, they were following in the footsteps of their parents and the school curriculum. They didn’t need to slap themselves everytime they drooled at the wrong type of teacher because they were all doing what was expected of them. They were put into this world straight and were staying straight, where as I was not steering straight.
I can remember when I moved from Somerset to the Midlands, I promised myself this was going to be a new start, this was where I was going to become straight or at least play straight, I was going to be like all the other people in the world. I was going to enjoy being with boys and one day grow up and have a husband.
In the part of the Midlands I lived, homosexual terms were used in a derogatory way. I can remember this fantastic lad in our year, brilliant sense of humour and a joy to be around was constantly ridiculed and bullied but the only references they would use was ‘gay’ ‘faggot’ ‘camp’ etc. So here I am in a new place, struggling with my sexual identity and the first time I get to understand the other portion of sexuality is through negativity and abuse.
So I suppressed my feelings even more, eventually people from my school would hurl abuse towards me using homosexuality as derogatory terms, calling me a ‘dyke’ ‘carpet muncher’ ‘lesbian’ but not because they knew the inner me but because I started to follow in the ‘goth’ crowd. At this time I got to try out all areas of possibilities and managed to muster enough courage to at least admit I was bisexual, which got round the whole school and then the bullying increased, of course.
This was a difficult time for me because I tried desperately to enjoy what I was meant to enjoy, what was normal, what would give me an easier life but I couldn’t, I felt nothing, I felt sick, my whole being knew what it wanted, knew what it enjoyed and wouldn’t let me be anything else. So I did what any sexually deprived teenager would do, distracted myself with drugs and alcohol because then at least anything that happened wasn’t my fault and anything that I wanted to happen but didn’t, I had recreational help.
I used my feelings as a way to punish myself, in a hope that I would wake up one day and it would be gone. I planted stories and ideas to hide from myself, I lost my self in needless obsessions, so then people would think at least she’s normal even if a bit jaded and desperate. Eventually I lost control of myself, it was another tipping point with my mental health, my confidence and self esteem was at an all time low and the idea of living in this world where I can’t be who I want to be, where I am lost in understanding of my feelings and disillusioned by the idea of normality was unbearable.
Eventually I went to University in Bolton and had my eyes opened to the gay scene in the world, I saw there were others who enjoy same sex relations and frequented Canal Street in Manchester, I told others it was because I didn’t want to get hassled by grabby blokes, which is part true, the other part was because there was some eye candy who you may get a squeeze out of in the toilet or at the bar. I got to dip my toe in a whole world of possibility I didn’t know existed, I didn’t need to fantasise about my media teacher because there were real possibilities.
I did however fall in love, at first she terrified me but over time we got increasingly close, we both foolishly believed it was because we were close friends, which was true but there was much more, the joy of it was she didn’t truly know my sexual identity.
There are some people in this world who have everything figured out and there are others in this world who need a little bit of guidance in understanding the white noise of the world and I needed that help. I am 27 years old and I have only just started to come to terms with my sexual identity, its only now that I can admit I will never try and go back to men because its only now that I know;
life is too short and love is too precious to foolishly believe that you can change who you are inside.
I tried not to be a lesbian, I fought tooth and nail to be straight but at the end of the day I’m not straight, I will never be straight and if I want my happiness to at least be a possibility I need to stay away from trying to play straight or bisexual and just be myself.
And myself is looking forward to the idea of hopefully getting married to the most beautiful, clever, quick witted, kindest woman I have ever known in the world, who happens to be made in Yorkshire. She is my world and is the epicentre for me getting that little bit closer to happiness and being normal.
You can’t change who you are, you can’t stop who you are attracted to, attraction and love isn’t something you can control, just embrace it and be honest.
Neverwhere 